BLIND ITEMS

What’s hotter than blind items? answer: ME. (haha!)

But anyhow, I’ll let you taste some of the juiciest sensations I have in my pocket as of this burning month of August. We won’t be referred to as CHISMOSO/CHISMOSA for nothing. Kumbaga, panindugan na lugod ta mga para-raot baga kita, ade? Haha. Nagtaram si bako.

Anywayz, I’ll give out some clues. Haha. Remember, bato bato sa langit ang tamaan sya na to. Here goes….

1. Sisay ning amiga kong may bet sa sarong local “musician” na mejo amigo mi man? Entero pating nag-aadal mang-seduce para maakit nya daa. Gudlak manay.

Clue: Nice Jing! haha. joke.

2. Sisay man niyong saro ko pang amiga na may bet man sa sarong local musician/aktibista/writer na ang pangaran bida sa sarong puppet show. Pareho kong amigo tsaka amiga si crushee tsaka si crusher. Wahehe.

Clue: No way. Gagadanon ako kadto pag nagtao akong clue, ako lang pati nakakaaram. Baka bigla na lang ko kaito saksakon sa likod. Hehe. Kung sisay ka man, Peace! Mayo man kaning makaka-gets garo. Kung igwa man, isekreto nyo na lang.

3. Sisay ning budding loveteam na patago? Ombz and Girl syempre. HAHA. No pun intended.

Clue: =)

4. Sisay ning enterong kinikilig sa saro sa mga amiga kong nagka-helang pa

   sana

   ? Namumula pati mata nya pag yaon si girl sa sobrang kakiligan. Pero dai obvious.

Clue: Fermi syang kadakul na gakod sa kamot. Iba-ibang colors. Hahaha! (ok lang, dai man sya nagffriendster kaya di nya man ni maaaraman)

5. Sisay ning may hidden, as in hidden pagnanasa kay girl na kulang na sana KY Jelly sa sobrang ka-sweetan?

Clue: “Screaming Infidelity” 

      6. Sisay ning mapabisa daa sa gabos ta nakua nya daa 

enterong ombs sa kinaban? Pati daa si Sam Milby. Haha!

          Clue: ORIGINAL CHESA!!!!! 

            

6. Sisay ning sarong tawo na idol ako sa guy hunting? Gabos na bet ko, bet nya man! Grabe pati ang effort magpabisa sako. Pero sori dir, BUMISA KA SAKO! HADOK PA SA BITIS!!!!!! hahahahhaha

  Clue: Mariah.

7. Sisay ning nagsabing patal daa **#@!!$#** ta sya daa tsaka si jowa nya ang matalino?! HAHA. Iyo talaga? Tell that to the marines, sabi ni Telet.

Clue: Terno Production presents….. BULING! (ang maka-gets kani tawan kong chocolate!)

8. Sisay ning nagkkwestyon sa sakong pagkatawo? Malinig daa kaya sya pero entero man nganing hanap hanap

   kan

   mga customer nyang gurang na inchik. HAHA.

Clue: Kung sisay mag-react o makagets, sya na ito. *wink*

9. Sisay ning inaapod kan crush ni Juan na, “BITCH.” Makusug ang boot nya dir.

Clue: Bitch!!!

10. Sisay ning cge sakong text na: EEMMMOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Clue: Para-iwaolon na maray. Dakulang tawo. Haha.

11. Sisay ning mayong maginibo sa buhay kaya nagpara-BULANG na

    sana

    .

Clue: He loves cocks. haha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shit. HAHAHAHA!!!

12. Sisay ning may crush kay “Jesus Christ”

    kan

    Vaca? Entero pating kinikirilig, nagrurulumoy, nagsasaradit pagyaon si crush.

Clue: Alcoholic. (like, duh!)

13. Sisay ning mukha man daa nganing kabalang pero matibayon manlait? Chaka chaka na, baduy pa, igot igot mansupon sa iba. Pidi man yan??!

Clue: Chaka.

14. Sisay ning may crush daa sako?!

Clue: I crush you too. HAHA!

15. Sisay ning heartthrob kan Vaca na talagang chesa, seksi, matali, as in perfect. Psych major tapos graduating na this October. Kaya lang may agum na pero gwapo man tapos may aki na chesa talaga.

Clue: OUCH.

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A SERIES OF INTENTIONALLY UNCONNECTED BLAH’S: My Sentiments.(boohoo!)

               To the queer Ursula, don’t get all shook up over this but if guilt is a bevy of maggots, feel free to wither.

           I tried not to scream when my eyes landed on it. The nerves! That was all my feeble, tacky fuse box could come up with after going through a twisted saga. The infamous adrenalin rush overwhelmed the sum of my so-called filth. Puhleeaaase!!! Save all the “ugh!” in this world at that very instant and I could have blasted the greatest gadget of mankind, smack dabbed at the queer Ursula’s face. The confusion was utterly evident and it was a surprise, denial would be the disclaimer. Again, puhleeaaase!! Tell that to the marines. Lip service is for dumb people but considering the self-acclaimed smart ass that he proved to be, everything’s an ugh! away. Like, come on, trip on the boundary of saccharine tongues and highfaluting lines and you’re all over it like a die hard buff?! Perish, forbid! A wordsmith?? Cum on.. err… come on(haha!). Smart alleges are indeed, surprise surprise, smart alleges alone subtlety cloaked with wrong grammars, grade school spelling, off beam terminologies and disorganized thoughts. And that is what? Worth a flattery. Blank tone. Sarcastic tinge. Sardonic mockery obscured on pursed lips. Heller???? (Scream, scream, screeeeeeeaam!!!!!) How dare those dense creatures place my lifetime cynical hero beside an all-knowing, plagiarist charlatan (Stupid? Consult the dictionary). It’s always better to let someone think you’re an idiot than to open your mouth and prove it. I reckoned people are getting more gullible every fucking day of their fucking lives.

           If our country adopted NFL, the queer Ursula could have been a quarterback for being the best plotter of the season. Or maybe a movie director. I could imagine the sack of trophies he could have won on his account and at my expense. Robert de Niro would be a flop on one of his Mafia roles coz guess what, Ursula’s way better than any Italian-twanged Mafia leader. The plot is to what? Sabotage me to add a star to his merits? Or to save the devil’s ass at my expense? Either way, it’s all rubbish! And mind you, he will go to any length to shield whatever it is he’s been trying to veil under his blistering, eternal cape. What’s under there can warrant a life’s extinction. Yep. That’s how important the queer Ursula is. Tough for us, huh?

           But a good friend once observed that my show of teeth is not a smile but a warning. Rarrr. Call me a leopard, call me a kitty cat, call me choleric, call me anything you dirty little swines can conjure up for the benefit of my crumble. But as the wise, citrusy vocalist friend of mine said, “fumble, tumble just don’t crumble. Wipe your ass off when you stumble…” Corny rhymes are pathetic I know but I’ll take that as a desperate source of advise for the sake of this burrowed Pendleton I have plunged myself into. It’s unwise to take everything in as they come and be swept off by babbles and pompous verses screaming of blunder but as human as I am who errs once in a while, let me scream over this matter and over the devil’s superficiality. I was a victim and I am not divine. Pretty hilarious if you ask me coz I’ve done piles and piles of experimental reports in Psych and I sure know when a thing is empirically true. Like heller, just the mere fact that he stood between me and the jack, with all palpable effort,  to cease all negotiations can boing points to his guilt card. Hundreds of kilometers away, his heart beat then was audible. I wondered, why the fuss in solving all the puzzles in his planet? Surprise, surprise, it’s none of his business. But maybe, just maybe, the queer Ursula is a Drag Queen. Hmmm, why not. Or would anybody daresay, “that’s preposterous??!” Hmmm… Would you? I dare you.

Nastiness begets nastiness, had it not been for my significant others to mind, the queer Ursula could have been a mouth loaded of asphalt. Morbidly tortured. An abstract of tangled bones. My cutest daydream. But a clenched fist would be much of a trouble since his plot is worth a decade’s plan. So let the drag queen do the mathematical calculation, theories, eureka and the crap. Let everything fall on me until I remain a carcass. With my swollen eyes, beaten heart, the queer Ursula has the world at his feet. Happy now? Let us all give him a clap, no, a round of applause. A standing ovation to be more grandiose. Hooray to you, my Lord, the queer Ursula

I haven’t let the clutter all go. A humungous hibisbus I may sound at this very confusing moment at your computer screen but obviously, I’m all itchy to scream. On the verge for a deluge. Rhyme. Tsk.

P.S.

Care to put your money where your mouth is??? That’s what Mafia does. You don’t get me, do you? Fagot, maggot, they rhyme. Haha!

          

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KARMA LANG YAN…

Nagduman ako sa derma para maging CHESA! naman ako arog kay Andreu. Nanganganaan na kayang punggod asin lait ang sakong pandok. Garo na daa ako may utos (chicken pox). E di fine, so nagduman ako. 48 years akong halat sa opis ni doc, sa isip ko lang, kadakul palan ang punggudon digdi sa Bicol. Maogma! At least may kadamay ako. Nung ako na si inapod, inanggutan tulos ako ni doc, ano daa kaya ta dai na ako nagbalik balik after my first treatment kaito, mili daw palan kayang CHESA! na ako, num ta nagbaralikan. Naman yan si doc, inanggutan pa ako. Akala ko baglaon ako kaya pinurunggod akong grabe sa baba, yun pala it’s an indicator of too much stress and puyat (kaka-imagine garo sa mga talap na ombz! haha) sabi ni doc. Well at least magayon dangugon. Bako dahil sa kaosmakan alagad dahil sa stress… boka! Magstop na daa akong gamit toothpaste na may fluoride ta iyo pa an sarong kawsa kaniyo, tsaka NO lip gloss. E di FINE! Malimugmog na lang akong asin o magkuskus kahoy ki bayawas sa ngipon ko para dai magbata hangaw ko, ta garo gabos na toothpaste may fluoride baga, ade? Igwa man kuta mayo, Sensodyne, pero malaen ang namit. O anywayz…

Pinahigda na ako ni doc, kadakul ilaw na nakatutok sa mukha ko. Makasuriaw pero fine, keri lang. Sabi ni doc, are you ready for the pain? Sabi ko man, tuod na ako dyan. Sa puon, keri keri ko lang ta mejo makapal ang baba ko, garo man lang sarong dosenang kudot namatian ko. Sa sarong punggod, mga limang tadus. Pwidi man yan?! Makulog pero dir, mayo pa yan sa labor. Tapos pag dakula ang punggod, itong hinugon na may dikit na nana, with matching injection kang saiyang Glycolic chuvaness. Igi-gilyet muna ni doc, then tadus, then injection. Num ta nagkurupos! Naisip ko, garo man lang palan sex. Mga inot na 3 tadus, mas makulog pa sa pag-devirginize then after that, masiram na ang lanit. Or inda ko, baka masokista lang talaga ako. We’re talking about 5 tadus sa kada punggod. Bale kung may 100 kang punggod, times 5, e di makatana kang 500 na tadus sa buong pandok mo. Napapangirit na lang ako sa sobrang lanit. Mga 7 injection ang kinasta ni doc sa mga 7 man na darakulang punggod sa mukha ko. So bale arog kani, garo man lang ako nagpa-BOTOX na diputa. Malanit-lanit. Nung inot, keri ko pa ngiritan sadiri ko tapos naiisip ko man, magayon ining derma challenge ilaag sa blog ko. Pero nung nakaabot na an kamot ni doc sa angog ko, DIPUTAAAAAAAA! Makulugununununununun. As in. Mayo ng mas makulog pa! Entero pating naglalagatok an kamot ni doc kaka-pusi ki punggod ko sa angog ta matagas baga kaya. Sige ko ng luha kaya inapod ni doc si nurse nya, taga-punas luha ko. Sosyal ano? Pero pramiz, garo man lang open wound na dinuruduldog ning dagum. Imaginon mo, dali! Feeling ko nani nag-irihi ako sa kalson ko, may namatian akong dikit na kupsit ki ihi. Pero sabi ko, I’ll deal with that later. Uni na munang pagtius ko sa kulog ang iintindihon ko.

Ang gibo ko, pig-divert ko na lang isip ko habang pinupusi ni doc angog ko. Sa boot ko lang, siguro grabe nang bata (bad smell) ning pagkatawo ko kaya enterong nagsasarangaw in a form of PUNGGOD. Ade? Since knows kang Diyos na manhid ako sa mga karatan na nangyayari sako, pinaagi nya sa sarong bagay na maapektuhan talaga ako, again, PUNGGOD. And siguro gusto nyang ipaabot sako na I better do something about it. Mala baya ta naghihiribi na ako sa derma ni doc sa sobrang lanit. Karma lang siguro ni. Sa gabos na nagibo kong maraot sa sadiri ko asin sa kapwa ko. In a form of PUNGGOD, pinahiling sako kang Dyos na sya man giraray ang madam-madam, na kaya nya akong kastiguhon in whatever way He likes. Kaya hmmm… Ingat na lang kita. Ta maabot talaga an aldaw na “we reap what we sow.” Kaya gudlak sato! Gudlak saimo. Gudlak sako.

Sa wakas natapos man giraray si derma chaleyng. Pero dai ko pa nani makaput-kaputan an sakong pandok ta enterong nagtaragas sa sobrang Glycolic chuvaness na ininject ni doc, bigla syang nagtaram: Bumalik ka next week, Friday. HInapot ko kung tano, sabi nya kadakul pa daa kayang saradit na punggod na dai nya pa natatadus. Maghalat daa akong 1 week para maghinog hinog itong mga bugok pang punggod, para daw mas CHESA! ang result. E di syempre nanruluya ako.  Agony and Beauty talaga live side by side. Diputa to that. Sabi nya pa, “aabutan kitang mag-aga kung pipiriton ta yan tadusun ngonyan” Arog kayan kalala mukha ko?! Hay. Tinawan nya akong bale 7 bulong na ikakaag ko everyday of my fucking, loving day. Gastos!

Maray na lang ta may kaiba ako pauli ta kun dai baka mapagkamalan akong may leprosy o freak ki mga makakasabatan ko ta garo na ako punggod na tinubuan mukha! Pwidi man yan?! Sabi ko dai ko keri magjeep ta masupog na maray sa makakasakay ko, baka may kabisto pa ako dyan. Tsaka habo ko magluwas sa clinic na maliwanag pa kaya hinalat halat ko munang magdiklum. After pirang minutes, inapudan ko driver mi, nagpasundo ako. Sabi nung driver mi pakahiling sako, “NAANO KA?!” (with all the violent, nandidiri reaction), Sabi ko man:  Nagpa-tadus punggod. Umiyo ka na lang. Dai na magparahapot.

Pag abot ko sa harong, sinabat tulos ako ni Dylan. Pigpara hiling akong haloy, speechless sya for the first time, tapos garo napa-luha sya then pig-hug ako. Akala nya siguro may umaway kay mommy nya. Wa ko knows kung maiinsulto ako o mata-touch.

Si Ahmad man pakahiling sako, sabi nya: YUCK. Sisay ka?!

Grrrrr.

Pero here are the lessons I’ve learned from my derma challenge:

1. Don’t harm other creatures kahit pa may pagka-animal an creature ta mabalik ta mabalik yan saimo. In other forms. Arog sako, punggod.

2. Be aware sa mga karatan na ginigiribo mo para ma-anticipate mo naman ang mabalik na kamalasan saimo. In short, prepared ka.

3. Dai mag para urag-urag sa mga nangyayaring kamalasan sa magayunun mong buhay ta ibig sabihon man lang kayan, nageepekto saimo ang karma. Ika ang nagpuon, karma ang matapos. May ginibo kang maraot kaya mabalik yan saimo for sure. Arog sako, pinano garo akong punggod kang mahal na Diyos ta marauton baga akong tawo. Ade? Sabi nani, bako daa ako “malinig.” Sa mukha pa lang, bako na talaga!(pero ngonyan na imi-maintain ko na derma challenge, hiling hilingon ta. Huh!)

4. Repent. Aksepatron ang sadiri mong bata, dai magmalinis ta entero man kita maaati. Then so something about it. Arog sako, nagpa-derma. Ta akseptado kong punggudon ako.

and op kors…

5. Dai na magpa-tubo punggod sa angog.

Kaya Andreu, abangan mo na lang, magigi naman akong…….. CHESA!

Sunggo.

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YOU’RE SICK

Nothing but carcass left,
a Ghost town that once bore
a warm shade
and moonshadow
for my despair.
With him,
the stars spoke of eternal puffs,
the ash tray of cigars we breathe.
Bubbles formed like
childlike sparkles,
our eyes red and slanted.
Smiling to nothing.
His smiles were real in a dreamy cruve.
I loved him.

But you, you’re sick!
From the speckle of your fine pores
to the pink cotton that veils you;
from the match you gambled
to the endless flames I bathe with;
from the dancing dazzle in your eyes
to the slyness of your clandestine whispers;
from the holocaust ride you zealously crafted
to the coccoon you trapped me into.

Are you happy now?

Suit yourself.

Savor me till I wither.

But you wait.

Coz you, you’re sick!!

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AUGUST

is depressing

because of

you

and

your hidden files.

Sunsets ago, it was

Candy.

Moons ago, it was

Wednesday.

And now,

a Korean Voodoo doll?

Now tell me,

have I left out anyone?

PLease,

this month is anniversary.

You

are supposed

to celebrate

me.

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STARGIRL

It sucks to lose a person you love. Or when they hurt you with a sudden blow.

Each night, my window framed the moon looking like a lost balloon in the salt-sprinkled sky and each time I wondered, am I really betrayal-worthy? Many times I have been scornfully deceived by those people I cared about and I have done no harm to. Each caused a colossal pain, more of a stab, struck in my chest that hurls my soul captive in disillusionment. And once the trust is ruined, it can never be the same again. But it’s the numbness I grow scared of every time it happens. And there’s nothing to vent it out on but to my canvass and papers that are mostly useless when drama jags and crying fits become the struggle. It’s like, my body would ache to throw tantrums and be hysterical as hell but something in my gut constricts, suppressing my impulse. Where that constriction comes from? No one can answer. Not even me.

Jerry Spinelli once said in his book, "when a Stargirl cries, she does not shed tears but light.."

And I reckoned, I am a Stargirl

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