The Rockstar’s wife

April 27th, 2007

              Ahmad, my husband, is good looking or maybe that is an understatement. A Palestinian delight with a lip-macking talent for composing songs and delivering them out to his legions of drooling admirers like he really means business. And he still has his superego functioning that reminds him not to explore the territory of sin with any of his female fans. Sounds like a dream come true, huh? Maybe if I am one of those housewife-materials who patiently wait at home as he makes money out of his flair, it would be. It was fun at start I confess but lately I realized, I have dreams of my own as well.  I am not jealous though, mind you. Or maybe I am. But not to the fact that any time a determined slut can just go grab his dick and lure him smitten then leave us. That was my fear during our honey moon stage and I am way past that, darling. What I envy most about him is the things he can do with his music and the achievements he had accomplished for it with his list of priority still on the right track. We both have artistic inclinations that have caught a lot of attentions already and we’re not complaining but my god, he is persistent, unwavering and consistent. And I am totally not. Yeah I can imagine myself being the artist that I am in the future but I can also imagine myself landing on my butt as I juggle family, career, art and vices. Unfortunately, the side effect of the art I make is the destruction of my other priorities that I tend to sack out whenever I get all hyped up over books and pens. So for the meantime, I guess I am just Ahmad’s wife. The rock star’s personal bitch.

      

            On the other hand, my celebrity of a husband is a legend at being a father and he still manages to be on top of his rockstardom. And every time he goes out to play in a gig and I bet a lot will be watching them because they’re undeniably awesome on stage, a pang of jealousy and introspection would always be at bay. Pen is the scepter of my own passion, I am excellent at swirling, twirling and I’d thought, why the fuck can’t I put up my own art exhibit?! I know it’s silly but in a deeper level, so insightful. Self-assessment and probing are the least of the signs that prove I really want to go miles in terms of my talent. But until when will I be the rock star’s wife? Do people actually see me only lurking at my husband’s shadow? Ever since we got married, most of the people I met referred to me as “Ahmad’s wife” especially here in Legazpi. It can be a privilege sometimes but lately, it is getting more and more annoying. Good thing my audacious, sexy mouth is a public affair. Had it not been for my reckless, well-lubricated tongue, people won’t notice me I guess. Self-pity? Nah. I am too arrogant for that.
            Supporting my husband’s career in microphones will never be mandatory though. I mean, I enjoy their music a lot as much as their fans do. I know the lyrics and melodies by heart and I am ever willing to lend my aid or ears for second opinions and honest suggestions. Although in the wildest trance my imagination has gone through, I see myself having my own stage. Not sharing it. Again, I am not bitter and nor am I defensive. I’ve completely rid myself of spite and my defenses are down. It’s just that I am aware I’m good at my forte, my works are original, I have my personal style and I have a promising potential to claim my own stars. The only requirement though that is lacking at me unfortunately is the most significant: motivation. I don’t have my husband’s unyielding drive. That is the one thing he has flowing simultaneously in his circulatory system that I so don’t have. Maybe that is why I’m anemic.
            So when will I begin moving forward to gather up all my musings and struggles and put them into action? Maybe I have to start facing the real challenge and get rid of the negative vibe, my pessimism and my lackadaisical illness that have infected my way to my own limelight. And be not the rock star’s wife alone because first of all, I hate labeling, I ought to be recognized with my own name. Second, my artistic butt is itching to blast off already. And lastly, I am not just somebody else’s wife who enjoys basking in somebody else’s glow. Or maybe, just maybe, I also need to be patted on my back from time to time. ADHD is not rare and is not exclusive for children only, you know.
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Vent it out

April 24th, 2007

It’s horrid to lie just to have this false image to others
when in fact, deep within the chasm of your skin, you know it’s only
pretensions. Why craft an artificial façade when you can be beautiful just
being you? 

 

I have been accused of being a bad daughter, the black
sheep, the rebel kid, selfish, stupid, maldita,
engrata, bastos, etc etc and all the repulsive terms you can think of that
otherwise delineate my being a brutally honest person. What’s wrong with doing
the things that will make your heart jump, your skin etched with goose bumps,
your soul all perked up, in exchange of void, trifling escapes that will
nonetheless be barren in the future.

 

I have done things with unbridled passion and ecstatic,
sickening fervor only because I honestly love doing them. Selfish to others I
suppose because it may seem beneficial only to me but what the heck, in the
long run, my ardor for the things I love to do will be strewn well to those within
the reach of my elated hands. As long as it’s of love and freedom, nothing is
wrong.

 

It’s dumb to keep proving something to other people because
first of all we are brought about in this cosmic space to share our real
strength, vehemence, intensity and craze and not act according to the say-so of
others. We are not stringed Pinocchio’s who’ll dance when spectators expect him
to dance. We are born with fat, slimy wiggling tubes that vastly encompass our
brains and we ought to let that function in order of our own will. The real
challenge is bringing out that nauseating throb in your gut and that familiar
beating of your heart and disperse them through your outlet. Vent it out. Hitler
was only born once and he died a long time ago, nobody’s dictating you now.

 

I am born to draw, write and be a critique to what I see is
not right. And I will let the people know. Spare me the raised eyebrows, I’ll
spare you none.

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DA VACA KRONIKEL

April 20th, 2007

**to Marj and Cielo: dae na kamo nakapag halat!Diputa man. Aware ka kayan, ha Marj? HAHA.  Uni na.

Nung 2nd year ako (bale, that was 5 years ago,ehehe) nahiling ko sa dakulang blackboard na nakalaag sa luwas kang kubo-kubo na kahampang lang kang Ateneo, "Vaca Available." Yan ang alamat ning Vaca. Kung di mo alam kung san yan o ano yan, bako ka tunay na Atenista.

Sa Ateneo, it’s either taga-Vaca ka, taga-Xavier ka, taga-bulastogan ka o taga-Smedi ka. Dapat ngani magka igwang “inter-tambayan competition,” hilingon ta lamang kung sisay pinaka matibay. Puruksaan na lang kung madaog kami.

Ang Vaca, tambayan sya. Garo sya dakulang ash tray na may atup. Manlain-lain na klaseng tao, hayup o kung ano pa man ang luwas-laog lang digdi. Pero ang sabi daa, yaon dyan natipon si mga kadakul AF, Inc, F, OSA warning status, si mga-akala-mo-nagkklase-pa-pero-sige-na-man-lang-palan-hagad-baon-sa-magurang-pero-dai-naman-talaga-nagkaklase pipol, mga out of skul youth, mga adik tsaka gabos na sinusuka na kan Ateneo…dyan sa Vaca ang temporary solace (bako po sintas, refuge po ibig kong sabihon).

Masiram man ang kakanon. Mga combos, pansit and iced tea pero ang pinakamasiram na tinda sainda, YOSI. May kakaibang lasa. Siguro kaya ta bawal sa laog kang Ateneo magyosi kaya pag nakakalaog sa Vaca, diputa, haranap tulos yan yosi o mahanap ning mapa-yosi, garo mga hayok na ano daw.

Nag-urulay kami dati na Duke na garo magayon gibohan istorya ang mga pangyayari sa laog kang “institusyon” na ini. Sabi mi, someday pwede syang gibohon na libro ta kaya, it is the place where reality truly happens, bako sa PBB o sa ano pa man na reality sellout shows na mga plastikada ang yaon. Manlain-lain na problema, kulog-boot, reklamo, kacheapan, karantahan, turulaan, kauragan, hambog, kabaklaan, kachurvahan ang madadangog mo within the walls of Vaca (may lanob ang Vaca?!).

Tawan ko kamong a day in da life scenario sa Vaca…

Arog kani, agang aga pa sana, mga 8am, may mahihiling ka nang usok ning yosi pero mejo manipis pa ta tulo o apat na table pa lang ang occupied dyan. Mga 9am, maarabutan na si mga tambay na hale sa klase ninda. Makakan pamahaw, ang iba pangudto na, ang iba iced tea lang, ang iba mapalibre man daa at syempre, yosi break. Mga 10am, hala, yaon na dyan si mariribok, si mga rapakan na regulars arog na Jing, Sheila, Marj and the likes (u know, mga matatabil beings, haha!). Mapuon na yan ning everyday dose of chismis. Si mga baguhan na nakatambay sa laog ning bamboo fence o tangkalan (da bakod), mejo maiintimidate na yan sa nagdadagsaang “regulars” kaya maruluwas na yan sa fence. Duman na sinda matukaw sa No-smoking area. Tapos mga lunchtime, maarabutan na si mga bad bad boys na pirming may nakakabit na Mp3 sa talinga ninda tsaka yaon naman si mga gugurangan with the likes of kuya Duke and kuya Elmer. Ang level of ribok? Itong feeling mo abot hanggang Arupe. Masamukon. May mga nagkakarakan, nakataraas ang bitis, nagpupulok pulok, nag-aadal (although this is not advisable), nagpapasali, naghaharabulan, nagigibo project (again, kung habo nyong masabotage ang project nyo, this is not the right place), nagchichirismisan, naglalampungan at kung anu-ano pang “productive” activities. Ang circumference of usok? Super kapal. Makapal pa sa mukha ni Bojo (peace!). Tapos manipis na lang ang tao sa laog ning fence pag mga 1:30 na, pagresume na ning klase. Mawawalat lang dyan si mga mayong klase o si ihugakan magklase. Arog kayan na oras, pwede ka na maka-gibo project o mag-adal. Sa wakas! I-wish mo lang na may klase si Jing o Marj para mayong ribok (dai ko na isali sadiri ko ta bida na man ako kayan na maray). In short, si Marj o Jing ang pasimuno ning ribok. Mga high-pitched pati kayan ang boses, garo bungog ang kaulay. Anywayz, ang solemn hours dyan from 1:30 to around 3pm. Yan ang oras nina Tin Pasibe, Weegie and the other malulumanay manays, to shine! Usually sinda ang walat sa arog kayan na oras. Si Cielo yaon man minsan, nagyoyosi, nagchichika kang escapades nya with, uhhh, Pppp.. (cough..cough). Or that was before. Hehe. Tapos mga 3pm, may mga new faces na nakatambay, si mga datihan mejo laylo muna. Pero pag harani na ang 4:30, buraynina, garo nanggad saudan ang Vaca. Mejo malain na pati ang duros ta nagharalo na si panos, ganot, overly dabbed pabango sa pinawisan na blaws (eeeow), hangaw kang mga gutom and ANSUD. Pero keri pa basta may yosi to conquer the smell. Si mga nakatarambay man sa faraway land, duman baga sa garo buru-balkon ning Vaca? Noise pollutant naman lalo na si mga shrieking gurrrrls, si mga kinakasuyaan ko. Pero during the activity period, mas dakul ang new faces sa Vaca. Yaraon dyan si mga nagssnack lang (da pancit adiks), may mga faculties, yaon si mga nagdedeliver ning coke, may taga-USI, may mga OSY(out of skul yut) and mga dayo. Hanggang banggi dai dyan nawawaran tambay. Minsan ngani iniisip ko, pirang kaha daw ning yosi ang nauubos dyan sa sarong aldaw. Maski si mga taong mayo balak magka-lung cancer, magkakaigwa ta sa kada sulok ning Vaca, may saro o duwang chain smoker na nakatukaw. Kaya man sna mababata ang hangaw ning mga taga-Vaca. Haha!

Here are the lists of the most commonly exploited words na madadangog mo sa Vaca:

1. Manaaaaaaaaaaaaay!! (ascending pitch, originated from Andreu’s dick-tionary na pati mga lalake favorite word man ni lalo na si Duke at lalo na po pagnabuburat na sya)

2. Diputa ka! (not that anggut kami sa kaulay mi pero arog talaga kami kayan pag naeexcite)

3. Hoy, may chika ako saimo… (then mahinghing man daa pero dangog man lang kang gabos na nakatukaw sa table)

4. Suya daw ako sa babaeng yan! (popularly used by the Bratenista’s, led by Marj)

5. Bako man ngani sya magayon! (si mga insekuradang tarantada) 

6. Pa-yosi na! (si mga tinatamad magkuot sa bulsa ninda o maghanap barya sa bag)

7. Pa-smoke na! (si Ely boy o Chit ang pinaka-nadadangugan ko kani)

8. Pa-iced tea na! (para sa mga mayong kwarta, panawid gutom na lang ang iced tea) 

9. Pramis! (maski si mga matun na lalake favorite expression na ni)

10. Sna mayo si sir/ma’am… (para extended ang yosi break)

Just for fun, ika-categorize ko man ang mga table/tropa sa Vaca according to my keen observation:

**MGA KABALYEROS (Leader: Sheila; Muse: Oca) 

—mga taong lastiko. The cheering squad. Kung sa gym pirmi mo sinda mahihiling nagta-tumbling, split o hikul-hikol, sa Vaca man nakaturukaw lang sinda, nagchi-chain smoke. O nagkakakan. Unlike sa stereotypical teenage movie where cheerleaders are of the haughty, maldita type, sinda si opposite. Mayong maldita, mayong malandi (ang sabi!), mayong bully and mayo saindang na-link sa football player (ta mayo man football ang Ateneo) o jock. And take note, mas matibay pa sinda sa varsity kang Ateneo. Mas ok pa sindang dalanun. Ehehe.

**BEAT PIPOL (Leader: Cielo; Muse: Mcoy)

—mga sleng mag-Ingles. Mga deyji sa Beat-FM-you-gotta-have-it-beybi. Pagbored na sinda sa station, Vaca ang destination ninda. They’re a group of autistics, lalo na si JP, may sadiring mundo. Pero sinda ang pirming ka-back to back ni uncle jonji sa mga events kaya mejo close man ako sainda. Bako sinda itong mga alam-mo-na-yaaaaan kinda DJ’s kaya OK. Fm.

**KAPITANA AND HER ASSEMBLAGE OF PINK TANODS (Leader: kapitana; Muse: Marj, I know ma protesta ni pag bako sya muse)

—Epitome of Girl power. Sabi daw, kung may para-iwal sa Vaca, tga-screen ning mga new comers, laitera, fashion FBI, and tiga-check attendance, sila na yun. Kung baguhan ka sa Vaca, dai ka magparapasali pagyaon sinda ta gudlak saindo. They can cause severe heart palpitations not only because they’re a group of hot and pretty girls but also because they’re a tribe of Amazonas!! Minsan ka-bale man ako digdi but since madali akong makonsensya pag nang-iiwal ning innocents, habo ko magpara-iba sainda. Feeling ko kaya nabi-B.I. ninda ako. Nagluluwas ang sungay ko pagka-table ko sinda kaya pinipirit kong rayuan sinda lalo na si Marj. Kaya kami ni madi, este, Marj, bako lamang kami close. Bad kaya sya, sigeng panlait ning mga lukton-looking creatures, PATAL tsaka mga bauu na jologs. Bad ka daw Marj! Haha.

**TROPANG LULUBOG-LILITAW (Leader: Jing; Muse: Roel, no pun intended ha!)

— Minsan yaon, minsan mayo. Pero one thing na permanent sainda: MARIBOK. Hehe. Lalo na si Jing at ang kanyang gigantic voice. Kung gano sya kasadit, iyo man kalagom ang boses nya. Napaka-perky, cheerful to the point na naiiritta si Duke na dating labteam nya (uuuy) at grabeng laughing gas sa hawak. Pirming sindang maogma, mga once a year ko lang sinda mahiling na problemado. Good for you, guys. Dati pirmi sinda yaon sa Vaca pero ika nga ni Boy Abunda, the only thing that’s permanent in this world is change kaya ayun, bihira mi na man sinda mahiling. Siguro napopoot na sinda sa usok ning yosi. Hehe.

**DA ADEMUERS (Leader: Meeno da butt man; Muse: Ina)

– pag may nahiling ka dyan sa Vaca na may kababad sa celfone with deep voice and tagalog accent, sila na yun. Mayo sindang ibang ginibo kundi mag telebabad. Pero ang astig man sainda, sinda ang source ning mga "good stuff", itong mga hali Baguio (right, Meeno??). Ang leader po ninda lalakeng halangkawon na chinito na J-Lo butt.

**MGA PA-TWEETUMS (Leader: Nikki; Muse: Teddy bear)

—sinda tong mga garo pa-beybiiiii, eoooow, pero pag nakakabwelo, Dyos ko Dyos ko!!! Pero mga pretty man daa. Sinda itong kadalasan pinagnanasaan ning boys. Si Andrea pa lang, hurulog na ang bacon brief nyo!

*** DA BOYS (Leader: Bojo; Muse: Dax)

–sinda tong pag nakakahiling baguhan na bebot, nagpa-palpitate ang puso. Dai nagiginultol. Gigaratulan. Mga pasimple ang banat. Iba-iba ang diskarte. For example, si Bojo, inagi nya na lang sa eyeliner, luha and extreme emoness. Pero in fairness, it worked. Naging jowa nya si Andrea for a while although thnx to Miggy, ginudbye sya. Si Dax man, hanggang tingin lang yan pero deep inside, naghahaman yan ning fantasies. ehehehe.

**BANDA BOYS (Leader: Jonji Vidal; Muse: Owena)

—- may kasabihan na nag-iikot ang Indie scene kang Naga City sa Vaca. Kung mahanap kamong pwedeng magtugtog sa events, dai kamo maghanap sa plaza o bars, magduman lang kamong Vaca ta yaon dyan mga da beast of de best bands. Yaon ang HUFU, The Combatants, Black Gulaman, Gitnang-tupi o Centerfold, Symph, Manny Punkyao (disbanded na daa although I doubt it kung nag exist talaga sinda, haha!), Happytones, Sugar en Spice, Bojo the Emo, etc. etc. O san ka pa?

**WHEN THE EMO CHRIST GROUP (Leader: Bojo ulit; Muse: sya ulit)

– si mga taong one sided ang buhok na may bangs na halaba and spike ang likod. Pra mas bungga, nagkakaag pang eyeliner ang iba pero para bunggahunununun talaga, may luha luha pa daa yang naaaraman. Garo sinda mga hito. Ferming may bangs. Ang iba ok, ang iba masyadong cliche. Pero kadaklan sainda, mga baguhan. Kadakul na kayang emo kids sa Ateneo. Maski ngani bakla naka emo hairstyle naman. Dyan sa Vaca, kadakul.

**NEOPHYTES (Leader: Zeus; Muse: Alex)

– sinda si mga baguhan sa Vaca na may potential na maging future regulars. May mga distinctive qualities and potentials sinda that makes them suitable to become future regulars like, maribok, pasalihon, daeng supog, palak-palak na, adik, para-inom, visible sa mga gigs, kakaiba ang hitsura, nagtataram ning manaaaay tsaka dai nagtutumang sa gugurangan (DAPAT LANG.)

**THE POTHEADS (Leader: Ely Boy; Muse: Chit)

—- Minsan, nagwa-wonder ako kung inborn sindang naka-smile na talaga or gawa ng weed kaya masiyahin sila? Lalo na si Chit. Rapak ang payo.

**THE WEIRD ARTISTS (Leader: Duke; Muse: ehem)

— masyadong malawak ang kanilang kaisipan kaya make sure na keri kang utak mo maglayog sa ibang dimension kung makikitable ka sainda. Pag hyper si Noel, Duke and Sid? Gudlak. Pero once nahiling mo man ang artworks ninda, mauruldot mata mo. Bako lang basta-basta na drawings.

**THE WRITERS (Leader: Elmer; Muse: Duke)

— Sinda po nagma-manufacture ning mga rush home works and projects. Hehe. Sainda kami nagpapagibo mga assignments or on-the-spot write ups, bako dahil sa uto-uto sinda but to save our asses from getting failed and to get higher grades. Kung gusto nindong high quality essays and reflection papers, you know where to go. Ang utak ninda garo makina na kaipuhan lang usok ning yosi para mag-andar. Dai nagpapabayad kwarta basta payosihon mo lang o iced tea, igwa ka ng assignment. Swerte na lang kang mga jowa kaniyo. Yung nga lang, walaaaaaaaaaaa! Haha.

**DA DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (leader: mommy Arianne; Muse: Weegie)

— naanalyze ko lang, kadakul palan talaga may aki na sa Vaca pero, damn, tano daw mga HOT man giraray (ehem)?! Sinda ang mga hot mommas na mayong supog magtaram ning pisut, buray, boto, tsupa, kitu, salubot and other sexual terms na pang-kanto. Kumbaga, mga beterano na sinda pag-abot sa mga arog kayan na bagay kaya mayong ng supog-supog. Sinda itong mga makatakot makabanggaan sa Vaca kaya gudlak sa mga feelingera dyan. Ang objective ninda magurulay about sex life kang mga agom ninda, sexcapades and other forms of sex at mga nakakagulat na topics. Minsan may dramang pampamilya pero most of the time sinda itong grabe maglafter. Hiling ang ngala ngala. Garo mga mamasang na nagharampang sa majongan. Pero sinda ang pinag-nanasaan sa vaca, o, aminin!!! Kung sisay kaya ang ina na, iyo pa si mga outfitera. Hiling na igut-igot kang lobot, naka-cleavage, back less and naka stileto. My god, mga sizzling mommas. Pero sori, mga taken na kaya kami gabos (oh yeah, kabali ako sainda, haha!)

**THE REJECTS (Leader: malay ko; Muse: pakialam ko)

—sinda si mga group of girls na iniriwal ko! Tinaasan ba naman akong kilay which, they don’t know, is the biggest crime in Vaca kaya ayun, THE REJECTS na sinda. HAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

Haaay. Pagal na ako.

Sisay mapa-yosi dyan?

**Miss y’all, see u sa June.

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7:45

April 13th, 2007

I’m not writing this to defend my “ungraduation” or whatever you call graduations sporadically postponed due to chronic lackadaisical illness (huh?!). Nor is this a result of grave bitterness. I want to write this because I want to write this. Catharsis? Maybe.

I know I want to do something else aside from studying how people behave or much less, how to deal with lunatics. Psychology has been very handy when it comes to putting up with suicidal days and nerve-wrecking chaos that buzzes in my ears for like, 24 hours a day. But I know that deep beyond the abyss of my love for Psych lays my unbridled obsession for art. And my fervent adoration for poems, stories, books, group discussions and the un-sciences of existence that I find more fascinating and significant to put me through every step of my fucking life. People with Type-1 personalities will not get this I suppose, or anybody else who thinks that getting that diploma, apply for a job and make money out of my psychobabbling ass is more important than getting grounded with what I am experiencing right now. So, what am I getting through right now?

A lot. I wake up every single day with my fingers itching to grab my pen and tackle the rough, brownish surface of my drawing pad and put into ballpoint-trace the images I have in the subliminal arena of my brain (that makes it more exciting). And then I smoke. I think of the homeworks or projects I have to make but dismiss them anyway as I see my work almost done as if wooing me back. I seize my weapon again. Without any sound, I make a lot of noise in my pad. And then, walaaah… Done. But the feeling to put into illustration my brainwaves is infinite. I know there’s no ending it. And there is where my dilemma crops up.

I want to do something out of my talent, out of my hobby but I get so tangled up that I sack out all my other priorities! Sadly, even the happiness of my family which, is for me to step on the stage, handshake with Father Taborra and bow in front of the amused audience, I tend to ignore. And that’s sad. Bad. Bad and sad. Bad me, sad them.

Worse, I even find the social theories, practical events and street activities more important than sitting in my armchair, listening to my teacher’s scholarly knowledge and the PL’s bookish tattles. In fact I learn more important stuff in Vaca (sa kubo sa luwas kan Ateneo) where people are molded to be themselves and where we can express all our complains and thoughts without any inhibitions, than inside the majestic gates of Ateneo where students are hyped up to achieve the 4 C’s of the Jesuits’s dreams. Fuck that.

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