KSP

        The only disadvantage when you grow up in a home where you constantly see your father ever faithful and sweet to your mother as if he’s canoodling with her for the first time is that you can’t help but long for the same affection from your partner. How you wish to get the same attention and would often result to wondering if, by any chance, your partner will be as loving as what you’ve witnessed at home. It’s awful to compare but women in a relationship, whether we admit it or not, aches to be thought of and noticed even beyond our man’s lenience for saccharine moments. And the more unexpected the attention you get from him, the sweeter it becomes.

            I have seen my dad furtively creeping behind my mom as she cooks us lunch only to attack her with hugs and kisses that would make me go, eeoowww and make faces. At her ugliest household look, she would complain with a silly smile as if she did not appreciate my papa’s harot. And being an absentee father because of his work abroad, he sees to it that he makes up for everything he missed in mama’s life. He would spoil her more that he spoils us and would follow every whim she utters like the caprice she has for beauty products, jewelries, clothes and accessories. Despite my papa’s poor taste in fashion and trend, he’d still make an effort to provide her such fancy. Not that he’s being guilty for his 10-month absence yearly but it is really my papa’s loving and compassionate nature that makes him as awful sweet as he is even up to now. My sisters and I have been witnesses of a relationship akin to a never ending honeymoon stage that has been nourished by years of proper communication and well-spoken love.

            I envied my mom.

            How I longed for the same touch my mom felt. All along the qualities I saw in my papa became an unconscious preoccupation causing me to set idealism and certain standards for a guy to possess. It was like a curse that has manifested its way to my relationship with the boyfriends I’ve had. If it’s me being too jealous of my mom or my partners being too cold for a warm and touchy person as I am, I don’t know. Or maybe it’s this unwarranted and naive craving for the kind of relationship I got accustomed with as a child because even to us, his daughters, papa’s always been available and caring. Even my sisters apparently share the same ideals as mine when it comes to choosing boyfriends, but who can blame us, it feels terribly good to have security in a relationship.

            I know I’m sounding too Freudian again, connecting what’s in my past as to what I am at present and what I feel now but my point is, me asking for even the littlest amount of affection and love is not as artificial as your Havaiana’s sole. It’s my nature.

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