LULLABY

the darkest sky

the slightest breeze

a hint of moon

patches of starlight

breasts hands

thighs cheeks

tongues groins

lips limbs

on sheetless bed

on dais on rug

behind the door

on table on floor

over and over

ever and ever

more

WHO’S VIEWED ME?

O, aminin nyo, tuwing magla-log in kayo sa prendster pinaka-exciting na part yung pag check ng “who’s viewed me” di ba? Biruin mo, makikita mo kung sino mga taga-subaybay ng iyong account kaya’t todo pasikat ka naman sa pagmodify ng profile mo. Pero sumagi na ba sa isip mo kung bakit ka nila vinu-view? Maraming kadahilanan, veyveekeyks. Pwedeng badtrip sya sayo, yung iba naman admirer mo, crush ka, minsan ang crush nya yung boypren/gerpren mo, naghahanap ng pwedeng ipintas sayo kaya kinikilatis pics at profile mo. Normal lang yan sa mga tulad nating maldita. Lahat siguro tayo may innate stalker tendency na lalo pang pinagtibay ng friendster. Hehehe. May iba namang gusto lang magparamdam, meron namang gusto kasi nila icheck mo rin profile nila kaya nagpapa-cute sa who’s viewed me at may iba namang nag-sspy para sa kaibigang walang lakas loob na magpakita kahit sa friendster na lang. Esows. Gumagamit pa ng ibang account para lang mabasa laman ng blog mo, profile at masilip kung anong bago sa pics mo. Inuutusan pa mga uto-utong fwends para lang i-copy-paste ang blog mo kasi baka para sakanya yun. Pero in person, di naman kayang pumalag. My gosh.

Yun nga lang may ibang duwag rin na ayaw pabisto kaya naka “view profiles anonymously” o baka naman kunwari’y hindi sila interesado sa mga viewers nila kaya dedma. Whatever. Basta para sakin, exciting. Lalo na’t pag di ko kakilala ang nagvview sakin, click agad yan. Pero pag cartoon character ang background ng nagview sakin tapos puno pa ng glittering letters at animated na mga tidi bers, yaks, never mind. Di na ko nagaatubiling basahin ang profile, kumbaga, judge a book by its cover na. At ngayong nauso naman ang emo at gotikgotikan, uso na rin mga black backgrounds na puno ng icons na tila ba inuudyok kang mag-suicide with matching one-liners pa na galing sa mga kanta o mga matalinhagang baybayin na kahit ang may-ari, di naman gets. Pag yun ang sumasalubong sakin, nyee, babay. Pag masyado namang girly at pa-bitchy epek, ho-humm. Boring. What’s new. Pag lalake naman at masyadong pa-ombre, minsan napapaisip ako, di kaya’y defense mecha lang yun? Hmmm. Nagdududa agad ako nyan lalo pa’t maskulado sya sa mga pics nya at parang sa photo studio pa kinuha. Naks, effort. Alam nyo namang naglipana ang mga bolash ngayon, pati friendster nainvade! Kaya ingat-ingat, wag kang pahulog sa ma-machong bitag. E pano mo naman malalaman na silahis si papable? Aba, madali lang yan dir. Pag almost kalahati ng public photos nya ay naka-close up tapos ang liwanag pa ng mukha, naku, alam na. Tapos sila kumbaga sa babae, kikay. Talo pa ang girl mag-accessorize. Hindi rin sila nawawalan ng pic na topless para ipakita ang 6-pack pandesal o maaaring nakasandong fit with matching bling-blings na para bang binili sa Penshoppe. Tapos what’s with the sombrerong nakatagilid? Dios ko po.

Sa friendster mahahalata mo rin kung sino ang mga narsiso/narsisa. Usually sila yung FULL ang public photos at pati private photos, di na pinatawad. Todo projek! Hanep sa mga posing at porma (ehem…Marj??). Sila yung palaging may dalang mga digicams tapos pag may moment na feeling nila maganda at japorms sila, aba, sabay kuha agad yan ng camera at nagseself pictorial. Haha! Ok lang sana kung may K ka, katulad ng matalik at malibog kong kumare na ubod ng arte at pinkness sa buhay pero may iba kasing maganda lang sa pics e. Kumbaga, kapa na nila kung saang angulo sila maganda kaya’y kung mapapansin mo sa mga pics nila, isa lang ang hitsura ng mukha. It’s either naka-left angle o right angle ang mukha. Meron namang naka side view lang palagi para kunwari matangos ang ilong pero pag nakita mo na silang prontal, MY GAS. Hahahaha! Tapos minsan basa pa ang kili-kili. Yaks. Pero ang pinaka gumaganda talaga sa pics yung mga magagaling sa adobe photoshop. Konting blur lang dyan at alis alis ng pimples, pang magazine na ang dating! Dati ginagawa ko to pero ako mismo nagseself pity pag nakita ko na resulta. Naiisip ko non, ganito na ba talaga ako kapanget na kelangan ko pang i-edit mukha ko sa computer? Ahahahay. Kaya ngayon, kahit pangit at oily, keri lang. Palagi na lang magpasiguro ng pulbo.

Balik tayo sa Who’s viewed me. Kanina nagcheck ako. Mygosh, andyan na naman yung mga suki ko, naghahanap siguro ng latest. Alam nyo kasi marami talaga akong fans dito sa friendster. Yung iba nakiki-update lang, yung iba genuine talagang naaaliw sa mga pasikat ko tapos syempre may iba namang “fishing.” May mga natatouch, natatawa at marami namang hindi natutuwa na sya namang lugod kong ikinagagalak. Haha! Yun nga lang, mas naappreciate ko yung mga  lantarang nagcocomment lalo na sa blog ko kesa naman sa patago mag-react. Kunwari hindi natatamaan, kunwari hindi affected pero badtrip na pala. Pag kaharap mo na ang mga ungas, todo ismayl at chika-chika pa. Esows. Di naman kaya pumalag. Hindi sa naghahanap akong away pero ika nga ni ate jolens, magpakatotoo ka bebe! Kung may problema ka sa pinagsusulat ko dito, don’t make paawa and pakampi sa mga shunga, aba inday, huminahon ka. Di rin naman kasi ako tanga you know, I know what’s up. Yun nga lang you can’t stop me from writing what’s happening between the columns of my amygdala. Blogging is my everyday therapy. It’s a form of release that lets my clutter go. Whatever’s eating away at me, I write about. It’s like an anti-preoccupation thing that’s feasible and productive at the same time. And buti na lang may WHO’S VIEWED ME. Nalaman ko tuloy ang dami palang obsessed sakin. Mygosh. Haha!

And again, it’s pathetic to whine and lie in order to gain sympathy, worse, at the expense of others. How lower can you get?

signing off

Malamang ito’y hudyat na ng pagbabago. Nananawagan na ang aking nakaraan upang ipasa ang trono sa kung ano mang haharang sa hinaharap. Marami nang nagpaalam, marami nang tinamaan, maraming nang nagpaiyak kaya’t marami na ring pinaluha, marami nang tumapak kaya’t may mga natapakan na rin, marami nang humalakhak, nagkimpi, nag-akusa, nalabuan, nilibugan, nakinabang, nagsamantala, nang-uto, inuto, tinalikuran, tumalikod, nabadtrip, umiwas, umabuso, nagmahal.

Lahat paikot-ikot lamang. Lahat isa lang ang kinahahantungan, ako. Kung ano ako saiyo, yan ay gawa mo. Bunga yan ng matindi mong pagmatyag, pagmahal at pagkainis sakin. Masyado namang malinaw ang lahat para ‘di mo maintindihan. Ngunit may malabong sulok din na kelangang usisain na animo’y marahan kang nagmamasid ng larawan na pinaluma na ng panahon.

Ang mga ginawa ko, ginagawa at mga gagawin ay pwedeng isipin na laro-laro lamang dahil nababalutan ito ng kababawan. Para bang wala nang mas lalalim pa, di nga lang ako isang Pilosopo Tasio pero alam mong hindi rin ako tanga. Ang bawat hagod ng lalamunan ko kapag ako’y tumitili ay katumbas ng humihibot mong utak. At ngayong binibitawan ko na ang lahat ng aking pasanin at saklay, wag kang umiwas. Bumangon ka dya’t wag ng magdrama. Hindi ka naman si Juday.

Nagpaalam na ko sa lunduyang kinasanayan kong uwian at luhaan gabi-gabi. Magpapaalam na muna ako sa tambayang tanging nagpasigla at nagbigay kahulugan sa walang kwentang buhay ko sa Ateneo. At magpapaalam na rin ako sa walang katapusang katuwaan, halakhakan at kamalditahan na tumaginting sa aking tenga at patuloy kong dadalhin sa kabila ng tulay.

Sembreak na. Ber na. Nagtitindigan na ang aking balahibo tuwing dumadampi ang lamig ng hangin. Sumasanib na ang lungkot. Natutuwa na ang mga bata sa kalsada habang nagmumukmok naman ang mga matatanda sa mga tagong lugar, pilit iniiwasan na may makakita. Panahon na ng senti. Marami nang namamaalam. Pati ako, sa palagay ko, kelangan na rin.

O pano? Brngy.election na. Sino na sunod na kapitana?

depres-depresan

Depression is becoming a trend now. It has arrived to a context where it is used to describe a rush feeling of gloom and melancholy. When one says, “I’m down” it has become our habit to associate it to depression which as I have discovered in psychology, is rather inappropriate. Depression is more of a feeling of immense loss and emptiness wherein you are not anymore capable of distinguishing what’s occupying your mind and your chest. You would not even be consciously able to let others know how miserable you are so to let them comfort you and have someone pat your back. When one is depressed, the tendency is to actually deny especially to other people that there’s something wrong. In fact, you force yourself to smile so to let people see you are Ok when the truth is, you’re not. That throbbing feeling of defeat and forlorn will only manifest in your way of thinking thus, to your actions.

Depression is a grave form of desolation rather. You have this never-ending desire to find meaning in what you are doing and seek again for an identity to fill up what you think is barren. You feel like you’re floating in a big, black void that incessantly sucks out your reason for existence. Inside you is a cosmic vacuum draining out the color in your skin. That, my friend, is depression. The only time you’ll know you’re truly depressed is when you’re already facing that vacant white wall in your guidance counselor’s therapy room. Otherwise, that’s making papansin and pakampi. Nyehehehe!

P.S.

We have to face solitude and cheesiness once in a while unless you badly want to be a superficial payaso. We can never go “chillax” and hapi-hapi all the time. That’s so elementary.

my twisted face over bloodtests and ultrasound

i’m scheduled to have FOUR bloodtests tomorrow. yup, four needles to puncture my skin. two for diabetic tests, the 50gram OGCT and two for rheumatic heart disease bloodtests. and tomorrow morning, i’m not even allowed to eat breakfast which was quite ok to me but the thing is, i have to take this 1pack of sugar which reminds me of shabu. then remain steady and seated for two hours then there goes the first needle. the pain doesnt end there though, after two hours when the sugar’s supposed to leave the vicinity of my blood circulation, they have to inject me with another needle. and they have to fill this huge cylinder with my own blood! i dont even have anybody to accompany me so nobody would be there to distract me. puta. (marj! i need u! bloodtest na naman!!!)

and after lunch, i have to take another bloodtest in another building. that’s ESO and after the ESO, i have to deal with ESR or ERS ata yun. buraynina. then after the agony, i have to pay those who inflicted me pain. funny, huh? and i have to undergo a 2D Echo Doppler thing for my heart’s ultrasound because my ECG result was vague. and the amount is more or less 5 thousand pesos. ARAY talaga!

i suddenly thought, ang daya. if nothing comes out of my 5thousand bucks, i’d feel worse. not that i’m wishing for a heart ailment or diabetes but i’ll feel terrible if all the results are OKAY lang. it’s like a paid for nothing! parot. they better give me a name of some cute disease or something. i dont care if they’ll invent it to lighten me up but come on, 5thousand to have my skin injected with 4 needles and the result would be "mam, mayo man palan problema"..?!!! buray.

Doing the unstuck

I am not good at saying goodbye. Ever since my father left for abroad, I’ve dreaded terminals, luggage, packed traveling bags and the smell of perfume musty and stuck on an empty room. They bitterly remind me I am back to zero. All the sweet words and happy moments gone to my memory box only to be stored and remembered. It sucks.

I so believe I have separation anxiety disorder that sporadically leads me to self-destruction whenever something itches. A lot of things can trigger my listing sanity which is like a brittle flask waiting to be stepped on by passing strangers. I’d rather lock myself in an isolated room, frozen and let my mind do the wondering than wander outside and have somebody leave me. Maybe that’s why I badly needed distractions from external forces that could pull me out from my imaginary shelter.

And yes, I am back to zero. This four-cornered, staled sanctuary used to be mine and my sister’s, then mine, then ours. And now, mine again. Like a long lost friend, it stood in front of me as if waiting for a hug. I could only glance at its barren walls that have once been exploited with newspapers, campy posters and artworks. Peculiar how it felt different to have it back again after the hasty transformation it so needed for a new arrival. The rush was stupefying and silly how I thought it would stay forever that way. But tonight, my own room is mocking me with the secrets it contained, the tears it has witnessed, the ecstasy that has many times banged its wall and of the life enclosed within. And I can’t stomach to sleep on my old, overly soft bed. Not tonight. It only reminds me I am so alone now. I’d rather sleep in my mother’s room where I can comfortably curl up like a fetus in distress and let regression shot me a fleeting source of ease.

Aesthete ka ba?

According to Soren Kierkegaard, there are 3 stages of existence: the AESTHETIC, ETHICAL and RELIGIOUS. But since I am far off from being religious and dyos ko, neither am I ethical, let me dwell this lecture on being an aesthete. Yes dir, lelektyuran ko talaga kamo. Pati sadiri ko. The aesthetic stage is a stage in which the individual is interested in pleaure and enjoyment. The aesthetic stage is not charactherized by the passionate engagement and personal commitment which are characteristics of the higher stages of existence. In this stage, we try to escape boredom as much as possible because we want to live in the pleasure of the moment. But…the pursuit of pleasure always results to despair because one’s life reduces to pleasure of the moment but the moment is so short that one’s life and indeed the individual becomes almost nothing. It talks of superficiality and shallowness that sometimes overwhelm us only because we want to have fun all the time. We tend to fail to reflect seriously upon the nature of one’s way of living because an aesthete’s life is defined by immediacy. Our SELF becomes entirely subjected to external factors thus tends to avoid commitments and boredom.

Unrefined immediacy or itong inaapod tang mga activities na characterized by immediate carvings for desire and satisfaction through enjoyments that do not require effort or personal cultivation. Alcohol, drugs, one-night stands, couch-potatoes and other self indulgent lifestyle are some examples of an aesthetic life.

Hmmm. Mayo lang. Nakaka-relate ako. 

u kasi eh

Marunong din kasi akong mapuno, u know. Maraming bagay na mukhang hasel pero dip insyd, wala lang talaga yun saken, pero pag kumikipot na bunganga ko, tila ba nagpupulong ang mga ugat sa utak ko na wag kalimutan ang sakit na dulot sakin ng isang tao, sitwasyon o pangyayari. Habang ako’y maingay pa at lumalaban ng patas, kusa ding natatapon ang apaw ng timba. Kaya’t siguro ang daldal ko pag galit, para itong exhaust fan sa katawan na nakakatanggal ng usok na nagpapa-sikip ng dibdib. Pero pag tumatahimik na ako at bumabawas ang tabas ng aking dila, naku, trobol. Automatic ding nagle-level up ang kumukulong tubig sa aking katawan.

May mga bagay-bagay kasing kahit anong pilit kong unawain o paliitin, makulit pa rin. Patuloy ka pa ring dinuduridot ang pinaka kasuluk-sulukan ng aking laman at kaluluwa. Lalo na kapag mahirap kalimutan ang ginawa sakin, mahirap din itong tanggapin. Ayoko namang maging plastik at lokohin pati sarili ko na kunwari’y ok na sakin gayong ang totoo, nakatatak na talaga ito sa aking utak. Badtrip nga e, anong model o brand kaya ng utak meron ako, kasi kumbaga sa computer, wala itong “empty recycle bin.” May sarili pa itong mga galamay na kahit anong oras, pwedeng i-restore pabalik sa memory ang mga pilit kong tinatapon na basura. May nakapagsabi namang Scorpio daw kasi ako. I tend to keep grudges. Pero kung lahat na lamang ibibintang ko sa aking zodiac sign, di kaya’t mas tinatarantado ko lang sarili ko?

May mga pagkakataong akala ko’y unti-unti ko nang nalilimutan ang pait at sakit, sabay nawawala na rin ang pabalik-balik na pagnanasa na katayin ko hangga’t lumuwa ang dumudugong mata ng kina-susuklaman ko pero pag may nakakapag-trigger na pangyayari, tangina, bumabalik ang kirot sa aking pyuso. Kaya wag na lang. Ayoko namang piliting tanggapin ang mga bagay-bagay gayong hindi pa kaya ng sikmura ko. Sori, pero ganito talaga ako kapag nasasaktan ng todo. Kumbaga sa magkakaibigan, walang limutan.

schizo

putangina e sabi mo ngayon ka gagawa ng thesis tapos di na naman tuloy kasi inaatupag mo puro saya, saya, saya e hindi naman sa lahat ng oras dapat katuwaan! tapos yung practicum mo hanggang ngayon walang kasiguraduhan kasi tamad ka! ojt pa lang yan e pano na pag tunay ng trabaho? tapos naiisip mo pang mag aaply sa mga big time na kompanya?? as if. tapos yang mga incomplete mo hanggang ngayon nakahilata jan sa registrars, walang nagasikaso. kung may paa yan matagal na yang naglakad mag-isa e sa wala? dapat nilakad mo na agad yan. pupunta ka sa mga propesors mo pag oras de peligro na! tapos sa tambay ang dami mong oras?? e yang mga di mo pinapasukang subjects kasi sabi mo ang hirap, o pano na mga yun? di ka man lang ba gagawa ng paraan para maabot ng makitid mong pagunawa? habang buhay na lang ba yang magpapahirap sayo? tangina nakaka drowing ka nga ng mga komplikadong larawan at nakakasulat ka ng mas matalinhagang komposisyon tapos physics lang di mo mapasahan? dyos ko. puro ka excuses! ang tamad mo! wala kang ibang aasahan kundi sarili mo, ang tanda mo ng kumag ka! puro ka dada, wala ka namang gawa. ang dami mo naman sanang alam pero yung mga dapat mong unahin, di mo inaatupag kasi puro ka katuwaan, mukmok, reklamo at landi! saka ka na kumarengkeng kung tapos mo na lahat asikasuhin kasi kahit maghilata kang nakahubad, walang sasaway sayo. e kelan ka nga naman pala nagpasaway? ni ayaw mong pangaralan e, ikaw pa nagagalit pag may nagaalala para sayo! ayos ka talaga, djai. gamitin mo naman utak mo minsan. mahiya ka sa mga magulang mo at mga kapatid mo. matanda ka na, di paatras ang edad. dyos ko po.

FREEDOM?

              Freedom.

              Loading my poor lungs with that herbal oxygen, tranquilized and silly playing seesaw on the sepia doused playground. Darkness seeping in. Beaming, I reached out for a hand, extending to reach mine. I strut and swagger down to the rainbow colored path of bricks and cotton like an ecstatic child. Captured in rapture, skipping to nowhere. Nothing in mind but the moment itself. The heavens complaining, rumbling and lowering to reach my head. Then it poured. Ten thousand spindles of God’s spit. I ran laughing and stepped on a puddle. Mud splattered on his face, grimace. Swirling in my flowing velveteen skirt as if catching the multihued gas suspended just above my waist, I danced my way to the nearest shade. Water clogged my pore, taste buds swimming on rain, shrilly voice climbing to my throat. Highest note. He laughed. Like a devil winning the Lord’s lottery. Clouds frowned, burped and sends lightning to hit us as we jumped furtively. Tickled us pink. Ran to the next hill and debate with the heavens, point them a fuck-you finger, shriek ‘til esophagus burst out. Down the hillside it pours. My legs, a pair of fleshy silhouettes pulling me back. But my gut is too strong because the Nazi has left me. I stand alone, proud of myself and my innocent smile. Something clings to my waist, skin twitching. Have to wash my hands, his blood smells rotten. As rotten ugly when he still has a heart pounding. But lying on the ground, with holes on each staccato skin, red stream gushing down the dictator’s throat that made him pretty popular once. He looked beautiful. I have to remind him to thank me. He ends up with the soil, the color of his soul, grinning to nobody but me.

            I climbed up the moores and thanked all the deities in the sky for I got skittles pouring down on me. Ah, freedom at last.