Happy birthday to me.

I have this endless urge to kill myself, as corny-dark it sounds. I don’t intend to revere gothic posers and Evanescence lovers that sham an image of suicidal “darkness.” But every 4 a.m., stress wakes me up. Or maybe it’s this throbbing emptiness that has become an out cold pattern. And it is more dismal for it would take a herculean effort to lull me back to sleep. I open my eyes only to find myself feeling alone in a king size bed extremely jealous of my daughter’s serenity. She’s getting prettier each day and I desire her innocence. Thinking of my never-ending problems on the other hand and how my life turned out to be so chaotic, I always end up succumbing to tears at 4 a.m. The only comfort I would get is a tight hug from my Dylan every time she stirs in her sleep. I’d think maybe she can feel mommy in grief but it’s more disheartening.

                                                                                                   

People think, or maybe you think, I am doing ok but the truth is, I feel the entire opposite. And I am scrawling everything down not to gain your sympathy but because it’s 4 a.m. and I am trying so hard to divert the madness in my head to writing spontaneously and perhaps this can beat me up. If you ask me what’s really going on, I’d say, a pile lot. And I feel I am a huge ball of burden these days that it’s such a mortal sin to let everything out. If I can only take sleeping pills or anything to tire me up like I used to, I would but I am not allowed to so writing is the only escape. I am drowned in deep shit and I can’t look weak because I have somebody else to mind and support. It can never be only about ME anymore.

This is the worst phase I am going through. I feel like I’ve had enough but nevertheless, I cannot stop on my track. It’s becoming an obligation to go on and continue what’s up. And everything’s my fault and I am so aware of that so I can’t let anybody help me.

Every 4 a.m., I unconsciously wake up, I cry, I hug Dylan and I only resort to hoping that everything will be alright…

–11/02

   4:16 a.m.

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