Pfffft.
What’s with Christmas and forgiveness? I mean, what’s the pseudo-birth of Christ “the savior” got to do with clemency and pardon and me forgetting all the horrid and painful things somebody has done to me? Okay, so people are all cheerful and hearts are overwhelming with happiness and everybody’s in the mood to celebrate and be kind to one another brought about by the holiday’s spirit. People are smiling even to strangers, sharing stuff especially to the needy and enemies are starting to shake hands. But would I expose myself and be vulnerable to such “spirit?” NO, I am not getting carried away. But I am not here to spoil your Christmas and convince you people to think and feel the same way as I do. I’m trying to say something here because a few days ago, an old “friend” sent me a message sounding all so jolly and animated. As if he (or she) hasn’t done anything beyond the pale to me. This person glaringly sabotaged what friendship is all about and fouled me in all sort of ways, something a normal person won’t easily forget. I will not go through the entire story because the pain I experienced then was rather intolerable. I am only a masochist in bed (ehhehehe). Anyway, I tried cutting off every possible contact with this person to protect myself from getting all bruised up again and for me to forget. Long story. And then now, it’s Christmas so he wishes me well daw?! Coz it’s Christmas? Nyah! Haler? A friendster message won’t seal anything kahit pa you send me all the smiles in cyberspace.
I may sound all bitter again amidst the season’s intense happiness but at least my feet are still safe on the ground. But let’s say I make amends with an enemy for christmas’ sake. Then what comes next in February?
Uncategorized | Comments (2)BE YOURSELP.
In the midst of my late afternoon, rocking chair-contemplation…
I’m wondering. How come some people’s personality, point of view or taste in everything, depend so much on someone they hold of high esteem? I mean, what’s in a position in a name or in a status? Why aren’t they capable of distinguishing their own sense of style in whatever? This may be a bit contradicting to your opinion but in truth and in the long run, others will appreciate you more if you settle to a certain level that complements who you really are. Do not depend solely on what’s cool, what’s branded, what’s glamorous, what’s hip, what’s deep, what’s artistic, what’s IN or whatever. Just stay where you are. Nobody’s going anywhere anyway. Choose whatever you like and be friends with whomever without considering his or her status, money, name and all that crap. Go and be crazy with people you’re comfortable talking to and spending time with. Being famous, rich, “deep”, in, labeled with high regards and cool won’t ever be COOL if that’s not you.
Just… just BE YOURSELF as what you wrote in your classmate’s slum book way back in elementary. Hehe.
Uncategorized | Comments (5)Regression. fleeting.
The time before twilight when the sun’s painful light are all seeped in sepia wall paper, when the hue is just about to turn from mild orange to bluish black and when every glance is a ticket to regression, is my favorite hour in this sweaty season. It is when I’d usually stroll amidst the persistence of the sun and the haste of the heavens, walking kilometers of jigsaw roads off to somewhere. The only thing in mind would be shelter.
The old rusty poso with its tarnished bark looked perfect for a postcard that could remind you of ice drop bells in the heat of the afternoon, dribbling noise of outsiders coming over for revenge in the pseudo-court and that swift peddling sound of first time toddler bikers. It makes me forget of the rotten smell of this filthy poso. Small white flowers somewhat daring the sun seemed queer for I know they’re of the unpopular class but then again, their subtle beauty pasted in between of the greens itches my eye that tickles my finger to go pick them but considering that it is the sole survivor of my mom’s green thumb frustration, I just couldn’t. It’s a painful knot in my chest. Things that throb in mind but blocks the throat from sounding it out. It’s when you cannot come into terms with your ideals, the path to nothingness.
Uncategorized | Comment (1)Breathe in
Your car crashed
Buckled up from heaven
Feeling like it’s poison
When there’s no one around
Your whole life sectioned off from red ropes
Wishing you could see who
But you’re stuck in the ground
With this mini side-show
Let the scenes go
It’s obvious that you won
Would you say it feels slow?
Would you stay home?
How do you feel?
It’s how do you feel (suffocated)
Breathe in
Breathe in
Breathe in
Look what’s all around you
Breathe in
Breathe in
Breathe in
Look what’s all around you
Taking off in circles
Wondering if it’s worth it
You’re innocent and ignoble
But this main line system
Has a glitch in it
It’s ignorance has been shown
When you realize it’s paid for
Wondering where the story’s gone
It’s how do you feel
It’s how do you feel (suffocated)
Breathe in
Breathe in
Breathe in
Look what’s all around you
Breathe in
Breathe in
Breathe in
Look what’s all around you
Doesn’t matter if you run the race
Doesn’t matter if you’re gonna win
When you’re taking off a road
And you’re locked on to the car
It’s ok
Life’s a daisy
Far too busy
Never stops
Feeling heavy
Tried to steady
It’s all you’ve got
Breathe in
Breathe in
Breathe in
Look what’s all around you
Breathe in
Breathe in
Breathe in
Look what’s all around you
–Paloalto
Uncategorized | Comment (0)para sa ikauunawa ni WHEW!
How dare you exhort me! Such an obscene annotation and affront to my elevated distinction. I actually have to articulately utter that such unclutteredness is impertinence to my somehow immaculate repute. And therefore I terminate that you who belongs to the most despicable mammal is consummately out of your devoid and imbecilic psyche. So I serviceably allude that you discourse with someone as thimble-witted and insipid as you are. Leave me alone.
Uncategorized | Comments (2)hayhayhayhayhaaaaaaaaaay
i want to write down every last bit of the things that’s bothering me right now but they are so viscous and such an active batch of thoughts that it has already coagulated and blocked the pores of my brain. there are stuff about my pregnancy of course and as usual, stuff about me missing the old days, my sentiments about christmas and spending it alone, missing my friends and best friends, stuff about the things i want to do but cannot do right now because everything is bawal, about painting and its orgasmic efek on me, things behind my never ending bitterness in life, things that i want to say out loud but i can’t because other people may fuss about it and that’s the least i’m wishing for right now, i miss the local gigs, i miss naga’s crisp december wind, i miss calauag nights of ennui, i miss ina’s rotten bed out there, i miss walking at night, puta basta dakul.
* on wednesday, i’m going to watch ONE MORE CHANCE (mayong magkontra!!). showing na sa gaisano. sorry but i got nothing to do given the painful fact that canvasses and art materials are really expensive so i can’t divert my frustrations to painting all the time because it’s not all the time that the bank book i have an access to is full. so there, it will be movies on wednesday.
* i reallyreallyreallyreallyreally want to smoke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i swear. but i’ll be a criminal if i do that. but it’s cold at night, i have no one to talk to, dylan can be fast asleep by 10 already and decembers itches me to smoke a whole pack eveyday. there’s a lot to ponder on and muse about. really.
Uncategorized | Comments (2)