D E T A C H M E N T
I am mourning.
I lost myself in the proces of growth.
And dying.
Impulse. Stubborness. Arrogance. Love.
They all killed me.
The fire. The shiver.
All gone.
Clamored for help
I thought you are the light
but you are occupied, as well.
Do not blame me.
I was subtle.
And you were too confident.
And the starting line is difficult to uncover.
Inner peace. Buddha. Tibet. Meditation.
And even goodbyes.
Silly options.
Desperation.
This is a long, and tricky process.
But i hope to be back.
I am shutting the world now.
I am for myself again.
Uncategorized | Comment (1)walang period
never want to be in a grinding halt because of domestic bliss i want to take care of my child without losing fire years of frustrating mess dull even the brilliant mind i was once a rabid optimist now everything’s like a faulknerian scenario shambles decay i suck if i’m suicidal this would be the time i’d kill myself but no i have morrissey he sings with me and he sings for people like me who struggles wanting to get out but cannot because there’s a lot to do a lot to prioritize and a lot to mind first but how can i mind them without losing sanity if i aint happy but what will make me happy i dont even know because i suck and there’s pressure in every part of my body waaaaaaaa waaaaaaa pent up frustration is bad it does not do any good to your soul im a slave
yeaaaaaaaaaah
Uncategorized | Comment (0)retort PART 1
I’m in a state of severe annoyance and grave hysteria because of some pent up retort I wasn’t able to shove down somebody’s face in respect of his/her dismal condition and because I was too busy getting annoyed. That somebody told me my friends in Naga are bad influences and that they suck. No they don’t. You have no idea how these so-called friends of mine you referred to as bad influences helped me in putting myself together, piece by piece, flesh by flesh, second after second. You got them figured out all wrong. And I feel bad and guilty and terribly bothered that I was not able to defend them at your face. So, with the means of this blog, let me tell you something about these "bad creatures" from Naga who you think are helping me ruin my life.
MARJ — coming from the richest clan of Naga, you might actually wonder how she’s gotten to be so humble, practical, down-to-earth and most specially, friends with me. The most genuinely caring friend in the list, she actually gets teary eyed but carefully hiding them away from me whenever she knows I’m in pain. She’s genetically predisposed to have this teenage magazine-pretty face and a fashion statement that’s way too overboard Naga’s horde of pseudo-fashionitas who claims they shop weekly thus declaring they’re fashionitas and kikay (yeah right you dumb ass). But she’s too Harajuku to care of course. From her I learned that having financial benefits ain’t enough to have yourself soaring high on top of anyone and that being different is not a curse, you can in fact use it to your advantage. Right now all she cares about is to be Palgot’s #1 object of desire, be the best mom to Gotchi, work hard (yup, we’re still talking about Marj here) to establish domestic growth and dress up right. I’m so proud of you Marj and even prouder that you actually won’t take the diet pills I gave you because you don’t want to lose appetite because according to you, pigging out is the best. So true.
DUKE– the gentle giant. you might actually get scared watching Duke’s dangling red tonsils in front of you as his mouth grows aggresively bigger like the big bad wolf in Little Red Riding Hood while he gets carried away in one of his awe-inspiring political-and-socially-conscious originals onstage. but deep within the fabrics of his grungeness lies the name he holds of high-esteem and love, his mother. this straightforward Sam-Milby-aura-and-built-alike genius who despises our corrupt government more than anyone I know and does not shy away in expressing them is,yes,a mama’s boy and he’s proud of it. He values his mother as,I think,he will value his future wife but unfortunately, aaahhh SECRET (hehehehe). He taught me not only the significance of being socially aware and conscious, and the meaning of freedom in the form of art and expressing oneself but also the proper way of excavating shelves and piles in Booksale. hehehe.
ELMER — a lover of sarcasm, irony and parody, he’s packed with knowledge as google and yahoo are but he sucks at being a braggart that it’ll actually humble you down. a very unassuming companion who’d rather watch Lito Lapid roll in mud and laugh at his own slapstick stints than ignite highly scholastic conversation with anyone brainy just to prove his debating prowess. but once he opens his mouth to defend what he thinks is true and just, I’d bet you my ass’ virginity and you’ll end up facing him with a clenched teeth, mentally torturing and tackling every brain cell your skull can accomodate, with style. we call him, the walking encyclopedia. and he talks about music like armaggedon’s about to come any minute. with him around, it makes me realize i’m way too far from being wise. and loved.
(to be continued……….)
Uncategorized | Comments (2)summertime bongacious ever to da max
i’ve been browsing around friendster just a few minutes ago and people are all too chummy and chirpy and sunny and summerrrrrry and so in love with their lives right now. at least that’s what i’m seeing in their bubbly,flower-flower, all hyped up sparkling profiles. pictures in beaches, pool side, white sands and ever wonderful views are overwhelming, ‘might as well kill myself. lovers are all ensnared in each other’s tight hugs with matching cutesy grins that say "it’s summer and my baby and i are having lotsa fun and you are not!" RIGHT.
okay. I’m bored. that’s why.
Uncategorized | Comments (2)appeal ay!
Bastusin ako, iyo. Ang piad ko daa kaya garo sibulyas. Pero garo nadoble ngonyan ang bilang ning mga manyak sa gilid gilid. Or baka talagang may "attracting factor" ang gatas ning ina. Or baka nag-iisip sindang haluy na akong tigang kaya nag-aasa sinda na baka magpatol ako. Iyo dir?! Lately, napansin ko lang, kadakul nag-aaligid na booooooooys. Nagpapamati. Garo mga nangungurag na ikus. May ibang ok man, may ibang nakaka-tukso pero may mga garo kasta. Ma-concentrate muna kita sa mga garo kasta.
Yaon na dyan si "Hawak Kamyk." May iaabot lang sako, nakakadiretso ang palad nya sa kahalabaan ning arms ko. Minsan may naaaraman pa syang patapik-tapik sa shoulder ko then diretsong pisil and then slide. Pirmi yan. Sya itong tipo na mapapa-iring ka na lang sa sobrang ka-pathetic kan moves nya. Erak man! Napaisip lugod ako, can you really find pleasure sa mga patapik-tapik-pisil-slide moves? Anong satisfaction duman?? Garo gusto kong kurahawan ning, OW! IS*LS*L MO NA SANA YAN! ANO KA NAAAAAA!
May saro man na mabuuton ang mukha at friendly na maray pero isusmariya, ka-friendly nya man sya sa cleavage ko. Yes, I know na friendly din naman kasi ang cleavage ko minsan pero my gosh, anong makukua mo sa pagtitig mo sa sarong kumpol ning laman na may buwang sa tahaw? One time, nadakop ko syang nagii-SNEAK PEEK na naman kaya kinarawan ko, "may gatas yan…" Haha! Dai baga naka-girong.
Syempre dai mapa huri si Mr. Back-you-up. Gustuhon nyang magstay sa likod ko porket halangkaw sya at magayun ang view pag nag-dungaw sya. Pfft. Lumang istayl na yan! Sa bus o MRT lang yan pig-gigibo. So sinikwal ko sya. You know "sikwal?" The act of making tusok-tusok his tikab with my elbow. Ayun, mejo nakusugan ko, garo sya mag-dirighay. Dai ko aram kung namula sya dahil sa kusog kan sikwal ko o sa kasusupgan. Num!
Igwa man na mahilig sa mga side comments with matching kindat and sideway smiles. Ahaha. I won’t elaborate on this part ta baka ma-obvious kung sisay tsaka makaati kaya.
May mga nagpaparamdam ngonyan na ok man. Mga madiskartehon, pa-sweet, witty banats pero da problem is, obviosun man giraray ang pakay ninda. Or baka grabe lang talaga ako mag-duda. Inda. Dai ko na kaya ngonyan aram ang difference kan genuine care sa genuine perversion. I so support the girly-girly theory na, some boys will do just about anything to get into a girl’s pants. And that’s outright pathetic if you ask me. Tsk tsk. Bako na talaga puso ang pina-pairal nowadays kundi pisut.
Pero may ibang nagpaparamdam na sobrang na-appreciate kong maray, itong may nafi-feel akong warmth every time they’re around o pagkaulay ko. Bako sinda pacute at bako OA. Garapal pero may halong supog. I don’t know but I find that cuter. Hmmm.
Sa mga manyakis out there, baka dahil lang yan sa El Niño. Nagkakaurubusan ning tubig sa body resulting to tigang-ness. Dai ako nafa-flatter, ok? Nasusurang ako. Para magsangaw init kan hawak nindo, magkulong na lang kamo sa CR, bahala na kamo kung mag-shower kamo o….whatver! hehe.
Tsaka mahirak kamo sako, nag-aki pa sana baga ako!
Uncategorized | Comments (3)LAST PUFF FOR PONGKY
bako kami maray close ni Pongky pero apektado ako kan paka gadan nya. dai ko maaraman sasabihon ko. dai ko aram mamamatean ko. and i feel terrible na dai man lamang ako naka dalaw sa hospital. last week pa kan hudyan ko syang nahiling, naka motor, nagrani sako. may tinao syempre (hehehe). syet sori sa pag ngirit pongky. nakatxt ko man sya kan sarong aldaw, tungkol sa "business" nya. anyway, dakula kang kawaran lalo na samong mahilig magbyahe pasakat sa twilight zone. dai ako nagsusuba pero mamiss taka, mi ika.
siguro it’s a realization slapped again on my face na anytime, pwede mawara ang dawa sisay na padangat ta. barkada, boylet, jowa, agum, aki, ina, ama , tugang… sana dai man. diputa ikakagadan ko man garo.
everybody, I LABS U.
Uncategorized | Comments (3)The story of us
There are some hurts that you never completely get over. I don’t know that time diminish their presence and to a degree it does but it still hurts coz, uhm, hurt hurts. I am lost inside my tears. And there’s nothing we can do.
The key to a happy marriage is to accept the essential spasm between men and women. Which is a man can mend a fight with sex, a woman cannot have sex until they resolve the fight. It’s like the basic difference between a penis and a vagina. A penis is a thruster, a battering ram, even if it’s mad, it gets around. Hoever, the vagina has to be relaxed in order to open and receive. It cannot be a gracious host in a state of anger and that goes for blowjobs and kissing as well. Every female’s point of entry needs to know that the penis is comming in peace.
It’s all allusion, you see. Like there’s no such thing as the perfect marriage, perfect job, perfect child. The whole notion of staying togethen, living happily ever after. All allusions. Love is just lust in disguise. And lust fades, so you better be with someone who can stand you.
Uncategorized | Comment (1)senti na naman
i’m running out of ideas on how to repay my family or would i ever be able to repay them someday? they practically save my ass every time i fall off. and worse, they never say a thing. not even a complain or an exhausted sigh.
financially, i owe them a lot. and it’s bothering me already to the point that i cannot sleep at night. i want to make bawi but right now or do something about it but i feel helpless like a little kitten.
hay buhay. pansit at gulay.
Uncategorized | Comments (2)C-spot
The anticipation is killing me.
Art is supposed to be out last January 28 but nobody knows why she won’t budge till now. I am 41 weeks pregnant as of now and it’s still normal, depending on how you see normal, that is. I feel contractions once in a while but it would only last for a few minutes and then, gone. My doctor says Art is still doing fine inside my tummy and in fact is curling comfortably without any plans of hitting mommy’s pelvic. And according to her, if I really want to induce the delivery I better have sexual contact at least two times. The easiest way, said my smirking doctor. Yeah right. Like, where would I get a sex life right now? HAR HAR. And for the record, Art is a 9 pounder. You can blame that on me and my non stop ice cream-chocolate-cakes cravings.
I have gone through several tests, shameful XRAYS (xray pelvimitry is worse than being raped) and scans already, and it’s quite clear that my placenta is starting to deteriorate. So for my own safety and Art’s, I was scheduled for a Caesarian on February 7 (which is a lucky day for the Chinese daw sabi ni mama), 9 in the morning. I was quite hesitant for a C-section knowing how expensiiiiive it is and not to mention, the recovery is pretty exhausting. Plus, the process is quite scary (I peeked on some clips online, eeoow) with all the tusok-tusok on my spinal area and the incisions and stitches, waaaaaaaaah. The only thing I’m looking forward to is, I won’t be sprawled like a frog to be dissected in front of attending nurses and my giggly doctor. Hay.
This feels like a death sentence. it’s almost the same as lining up for the lethal injection. The anticipation is killing me. Though, the thought of finally seeing that pilya inside my tummy is very exciting. It’s like when you were a kid and it’s summer and you’re waiting anxiously for next day when you would all be headed to the beach. Saya.
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I’m afraid of Art ‘much as I’m scared of Dylan. They may ask me questions tomorrow I may not be able to answer. And Art, considering what she’s been through inside my tummy, the problems I have been dealing with while she’s inside me, would not make me wonder if she turns out to be as complex as Rubik’s cube. She could be my karma. I expect tantrums, mood swings, loathe, free-floating anxiety and emptiness that could be traced back to my own doings once she takes up General psychology in college. She would know it’s her mother’s fault and would hate me unconsciously.
So as early as now, I am trying to apologize, Art. Mommy is not in the right mind when you are inside her. Never feel unwanted or unloved, I’m just going through stuff that incidentally pulled you along. I’m sorry.
Uncategorized | Comments (3)hey Dylan
Hey Dylan I’m sorry,
mommy can be bad sometimes
but I didn’t mean to be this worse.
we didn’t mean to.
Life’s not been a smooth slide
on the rainbow,
not like how Care Bears do.
it’s full of nimbus coulds
suspended ‘bove yer head.
and when they’re pricked,
they pour real hard.
washes you off yer feet.
and flowers,
they only spring in story books.
but mommy’s not trying
to ruin your fairytale you
fancy about but mommy’s trying
to say here
why you often catch her cry.
and when you give me that
puzzled, agonizing look hidden
in your Dora eyes, it troubles
me.
troubles me that it makes
me cry harder.
afraid that you’ll hate me
someday.
no, please don’t hate me tomorrow Dylan.
because as complicated as physics
this may sound,
it’s for yer own good, see.
it’s for the sun to beat those
nimbus clouds ‘bove our heads.
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Dylan and I were just about to go to sleep when she embraced me with all her might that it almost made my eye socket bulge out of my head like one of those you see in cartoons. I asked her why she hugged me so tight but she would not speak a word. Instead, she looked directly in my eyes and at a moment, I thought she was Jean Grey trying to absorb something within me then I could just blow off into ashes. It was like an it’s-ok’everything-will-be-alright hug and it’s as if she was trying to say she understood. My tears automatically rolled down and I sobbed like crazy in front of my sleepy daughter and still, she won’t speak a word. She just stared at me as I burst into tears, reaching for another hug. And when I was finally able to say SORRY, she cried. Heartbreaking would be an understatement if you would be me in that moment. Not that it has only happened once but to see your own daughter, so precious and fragile crying mutely over something that is not about lost toys, bruised knees and cartoons but instead your own problem that ought not be bothering her, is indeed bothering. But right then and there, i know my little girl’s trying to follow on what her little understanding can comprehend. I said sorry almost a hundred times and she hastily wiped every drop of her tears with the end of our blanket and gave me a thousand pack of skittle-kisses. We slept in an unyielding cuddle that night.
Please don’t hate me tomorrow Dylan.
Uncategorized | Comments (6)